Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
