I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
