I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
