dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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