so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
