i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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