I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
