i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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