KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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