Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
