pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
