According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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