where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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