She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
