Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
