My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the condom got lost in my hair
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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