did you get engaged???
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
