so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
