how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
