Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
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