he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I want to be your penis for a week.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
