I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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