I've blown a few things in my day
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
