I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I bet he comes in French.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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