do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
