Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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