you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
