I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
