Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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