Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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