i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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