So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
