I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
