I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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