Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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