Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
