Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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