I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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