I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
