I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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