I wish I only lived at night.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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