you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
