Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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