i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
