I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
