Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
