That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
