there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
