Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
