he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
