I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
