marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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