I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
