two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We have so much sex to catch up on
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
