if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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