two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
